


You Could Be Happy

by Pattypixie



Series: Catharsis [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, M/M, Misunderstandings, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-23
Updated: 2017-11-23
Packaged: 2019-02-05 20:38:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,292
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12801906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pattypixie/pseuds/Pattypixie
Summary: Gabriel is sure that Sam would be better off without him. He knows neither would ever break up with the other so there's only one option.





	You Could Be Happy

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is part two of my cathartic fic writing. My partner and I are very much like Gabriel and Sam so I'm using them as surrogates. 
> 
> This fic focuses on my partner and I dealing with my ongoing battle with severe ADHD and subsequently, RSD or Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. (Feel free to contact me for more info) While I've never gotten as far as Gabriel does in this fic, I do have strong thoughts of suicide during episodes.
> 
> Please reach out to someone before resorting to suicide. Its a permanent answer to a temporary problem, even if it doesn't feel like it. 
> 
> "What I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you. I love you. With all my heart, I love you."  
> -V for Vendetta

It was always like this.

_ “Why don’t you listen to me?” _

__ __ _ “We’ve had this conversation five times over!” _

__ __ _ “Didn’t you think about what I might want?” _

__ __ Gabriel sat still on the bed in their shared room in the bunker, right where Sam had left him nearly an hour ago. He was paralyzed with anxiety, still reeling from the fight they had just had…if you could even call it that. It was mostly Sam explaining the various ways that Gabriel had hurt him that month and then storming out, saying he needed some fresh air. Gabriel spent the entire time sitting motionless, staring at the ground, listening to all the things that confirmed what he already knew. Sam would be far better off without him.

It wasn’t news. Not really. Gabriel had always known he was a disappointment. He was to his family in heaven, and why should it be any different with the new one he had found here on earth. It was stupid to think that Sam wouldn’t eventually realize that Gabriel was the worst decision he had ever made. Gabriel knew how Sam thought. He’d already spent all this time on Gabriel and practically upended his life for the angel, so he might as well stick it out because Sam was just that way. Sweet, self-sacrificing, steadfast Sam Winchester. Gabriel knew that there was no way that Sam would leave him. Not on his own accord.

That only left Gabriel to make the move. He was too selfish to leave Sam. There was no way that Gabriel would ever find anyone in the universe like him. Sam was perfect and irreplaceable. Gabriel supposed you could say the same thing about him being an archangel, but what good was that when he still kept fucking up every time he turned around. He honestly tried. He tried to be the best that he could for Sam. Maybe his best just wasn’t enough. There was only one option at that point.

Gabriel finally stood up and drew his blade. He looked at it for several minutes, deciding if this was really the right choice. Yes, Sam would be sad for a while, but eventually it would be for the best. He’d finally be free of Gabriel holding him down. The hand with his blade in it shook a little. This wasn’t a new thought process to him, but this may have been the first time he had really considered going through with it. It wouldn’t be too bad. Just a flash of pain before calm silence. Only a second away from true peace, knowing that Sam would go on to live a happier, more fulfilling life. Tears started to fall, streaking his cheeks, but he smiled. He would miss Sam so much, but thinking about how happy Sam would be once he was gone made his heart swell with joy. He just hoped that Sam would understand that this was for him and not because of him. Quickly, he conjured a DVD like before and set it down on the bedspread. Hopefully, that would be able to give Sam the closure he would need.

Finally, Gabriel turned the point of the blade to his chest and held it about two inches from his sternum. His hands still shook a bit, but not nearly as much as before. He reminded himself of why he was doing this a few more times before taking a deep breath and—

“Gabriel?” Sam opened the door and Gabriel turned to look at him. “What—Oh my God.” He rushed over to the archangel and knocked the blade out of his hands, causing it to fall to the floor with a clatter. “What the fuck were you doing?”

Gabriel had quickly ducked his head once he realized Sam had caught him. “I…” He couldn’t say it. There was no way to make Sam understand the reason why he was doing it.

“Look at me,” Sam insisted, pushing Gabriel’s chin up with his hand.

With the coaxing, Gabriel finally looked at Sam, both of their eyes glassy with tears. “Sam…” The name came out more like a whine as a sob overtook him.

“This…” Sam seemed to have a hard time saying it as well. “This isn’t because of me, is it?”

“No!” Gabriel’s eyes widened. “You’re perfect. I know you’re mad at me, but it isn’t your fault. If I didn’t fuck up then you wouldn’t be mad.”

Sam grabbed Gabriel’s hands and pulled him to the bed so they could sit. “Then what’s going on?”

Gabriel ducked his head again, unable to look at Sam as he explained. “You’re better off without me. I know you won’t leave me, and I can’t leave you so this is the only way I can be out of your life and stop bringing you down.”

Sam paused for a while, causing Gabriel to get anxious. He knew he was right, but it wasn’t like he wanted to hear Sam confirm it also. Although, maybe it would be easier if Sam agreed. Maybe Sam would be able to do it so that Gabriel didn’t have to.

“No,” Sam finally decided.

“No, what?” Gabriel asked.

“No, I’m not better off without you,” Sam explained, stroking Gabriel’s hands as he talked. “You make me a better person, Gabriel. My life would be absolutely unbearable without you. I’m not sure that I wouldn’t have eaten a bullet tomorrow if I had been a few moments late and found you.”

Gabriel frowned. “You don’t get it. I keep fucking up over and over again. Maybe you don’t see it now, but eventually you’re gonna look back and realize that I’m not worth it. You’re gonna resent me even more than you do now.”

“I don’t resent you,” Sam brought one of Gabriel’s hands to his lips and kissed it. “I won’t say that you haven’t done things that upset and hurt me, but don’t think for a second that I regret being with you. I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”

“I love you too,” Gabriel mumbled, blushing a bit.

“We’re a couple,” Sam continued. “We’re gonna get in arguments and you’re gonna do things I don’t like, just as I’m sure I’ll do things you don’t like. We’ll learn from that, though, and be stronger because of it.”

“But what if I don’t learn?” Gabriel countered. “I’m scared I’m just going to stay the same and keep fucking up.”

“Gabriel,” Sam sighed and let go of one hand to reach up and stroke Gabriel’s hair. “You’re already learning. I can tell you’re trying and most of what you do is with me in mind. I just need to remember that sometimes I need to be more assertive with what I need or want.”

Gabriel smiled softly. “A neon sign would be helpful.”

Sam chuckled. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

“I’m sorry,” Gabriel could feel his eyes stinging with tears again. “I’m sorry I’m…me.”

“Come here,” Sam opened his arms and Gabriel leaned into him. He pulled Gabriel close and the archangel’s body started to shake with sobs. “I love you, Gabriel. I love you so much. We’ll both be better, okay? Just promise me you won’t scare me like that again.”

Gabriel nodded against Sam’s chest. “I promise.”

“Good,” Sam kissed the top of Gabriel’s head, then pulled him back so they were laying fully on the bed. “Let’s take a nap, then when we wake up, we can watch something.”

“Something funny,” Gabriel insisted, already calming down significantly.

“Of course,” Sam squeezed Gabriel one last time. “I love you.”

Gabriel sniffed. “I love you too.” He drifted off quickly, imagining a future with Sam.

**Author's Note:**

> Contact me  
> Twitter: @Pattypixie   
> Tumblr: @archangelsanonymous


End file.
